can i sleep now?

all done! i am now and advanced scuba diver. ftw XD
im so bloody tired, and my muslces are so done haha.
anywho, i have one day of rest then driving test....aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarg :/ worried.

scuba :)

three dives later and im BEAT. so tired haha but in such a damn good mood :)
that was great.
so first we did a navigation dive and basically we were given a compass and had to navigate a square and a triangle under the water at around 35 ft then a straight line back to shore under the water. i thought it was gonna be so hard but we did it :) i have a really good partner too so that was nice.

second we did a search and recover dive, where we had this rope thing and one person kneeled on the bottom at 35 ft again and the other held the rope and swam in a circle around the person kneeling, the second task we did was attaching a floating device to a log or something and bringing it to shore...that was interesting haha, my hands were so numb though so it was hard to attach the floater to the log.

and the third dive was an independent dive, so just me and my partner...no instructor or anything. that was my first time on my own, and i did that navigating and got us back to were we started successfully :)

it was surprisingly warmer than i thought it would be but once we got to around 30 ft we hit the thermocline and god damn that was cold like....lkjfldkjs couldnt feel my face.
man i got a bit worried too because i kept getting nose bleeds :S never had one before in my life soooo i was a tad sketched out with that one :p but i feel fine, so my brain hasnt exploded (y)

ugh i cant even think straight atm im so done. im going to take a nap
deep dive bright and early tomorrow, hrm

peace.

i got this

i cant concentrate, im very jumpy and edgey. this weekend is worrying me.
it'll be my first time diving in cold fresh water, and the suit i have to wear is the biggest beast ever and gives me leg cramps. i feel so out of control in that thing errrg!
i had a dream that i was doing my deep water dive and someone knocked my mask off and i couldnt find my partner and i obviously couldnt go up because that would be really dangerous...so i was trapped, blind 100 ft under the water, freezing and all i can hear is my deep inhale and exhale.

fuck it was scary.
i feel so stupid under the water, the instructors staring at you waiting for you to understand them, and you cant talk or ask wat the hell they are trying to say so you stare blankly back. i guess i should brush up on my signals :/


ok ok ok i need to calm down. im being stupid and im psyching myself out RAAAA!
k this is going to be an awesome weekend, happy happy, excited woooooo!
k cool.
i got this. :)

after the storm

you amaze me, either you're really strong....or i dont know. im so worried.
jesus, i cant stop crying and i didnt know him
but please dont ask me if im alright, ask yourself :(
you were there though, and thats what matters right?
your face was the last thing he saw, he heard your voice
its kind of beautiful.

im here if you need me, always.

high on nothing :)

ive got a friend, shows me all the good times. Tells me i look better, chews me up and spits me out then walks my ass home.

had the best spontaneous night with my girl. starbucks run, chillin in a parking lot talking and listening to dane cook, fancy dinner at earls wearing a dress that made my boobs look entirely too large, wandering in an unkown forest in search of a long lost tree house of my childhood, and blasting music in her car in an empty parking lot and dancing around not caring if poeple thought we were high. We were most definately not high, we dont need that shit to be insane, no way. :) just high on life (apperantly there is a new drug called life or something so saying you're high on life isnt legit anymore :/ tainted)

and someone really made me think about stuff tonight. dont know wat to make of it though :/

titf.

bahahahahah i re-read our conversation....wtf happened to me? :p

awkward silence

im not going to go over there just so i can be publically called out...like really?

news

ah fort whyte, i'll miss you. first time going to the counsellor party :) twas awesome.
three weeks til school....lets make these last weeks count.

ooh! im going for my liscnese on the 30th....aaslhfljfh nervouuusss
and my advanced diver's liscense on the 27-28 at west hawk

WISH ME LUCK!!!

sleep!

so tired, someone please kill me now. blaaaaaaaaaaah
i need a solid nights sleep. hrm

bucket list

i need to move on with my life, i made my appologies tried to fix things but things cant be fixed so i just have to give up and not let words phase me.

so im working on a bucket list, ive been thinking alot about my life lately

Bucket List (so far):

-learn a language (leaning towards french or german)
-motor cycle liscense
-sky dive
-cooking lessons (prefferably pastry mmm)
-move back to australia for a long period of time
-go to university
-get a masters in something i love
-find a job i love
-feed sharks in shark cage
-west coast australia to find whale sharks :)
-get married?
-go to egypt
-try pot...haha
-continue diving/get my advanced divers liscense
-kids...someday. atleast two? who knows haha


thats all i can think of at the moment...but there will be more. :)

...

i love you. im done hiding it

yes i know the consiquences....and im sorry. but my words mean nothing right?

:)

I dont wanna know, just what im gonna do
I dont care where you're going, I'm coming along with you.

-KOL <3

bridge to nowhere...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v​=CtG8kdfM1xw&ob=av2e

sam roberts band november 1st!!
fair excited...
its not going to be wierd right? just you and...me.
dont know why you hid something like "that" from me, kinda felt like a cut down :S. I actually truely didnt not know, thought you felt quite the opposite. you told me you werent attracted me me once...like :S kay?

im sorry. we're good right? i hope we're good :/

:@

fuck technology!!!! blaaahlfkglszkfnkjfklgjkldnklzdhn. i swear im gunna cut a bitch.

aaaaa

im here for you. just wish i could actually be...there for you.

ignorance

just....what? i didnt know

working hard, hardly working?

ah fort whyte. you tire me out so very much. today i was a walking target for water guns...yup just me...no one else. it was cold and the kids kept trying to get my eyes haha. so i told them my tattoo was a target to distract them from my face, worked very well :P they were fascinated by my turtle.

i had my second driving lesson today, doing pretty damn good i must say. hopefully i'll get my licsense before school starts. im excited for future road trip possibilities XD

2 more days of being a camp counselor then long weekend. going to kenora with marty the party!!!! woohooo. so excited!

peace.

the fort.

i smell of swamp, sunscreen and little kid. four more days of sunburn, screaming children, algae, and being a water bus for children that think seaweed will eat them. hrmph

content.

skype is my best friend. it sees my face more than my friends. its seen me at my worst and at my best....and even when im sleeping
i love falling asleep accidentally
and yes i know you were watching me and didnt wake me :) but i liked it. especially when you partially fell asleep too :)

somethings happened last night :( i hate confrontation....but via internet just feels sad. pathetic even. but i guess im too much of a coward to do anything of that sort in person :/
i wish things could just go back to friendship. it was so much better then. i dont want you to be hung up on me. please be mad, please find someone else, please just....:(
i know it will take time, and that i cant be normal happy elena around you. thats hard to turn on and off, but if you want space then i'll give it to you. i still care for you and im still here for you. always.

stayed up til 4:30 in the morning :S but i didnt want to sleep.
i just feel...content. i do feel awful for wat i did :/ but at the same time i just feel like..i had an epiphany and a wieght was lifted.

ocean of praries

you're so beautiful. You break my heart

The Upsetter

"when i get sad, i stop being sad and start being awesome instead! True story"

i love neil patrick harris
go watch dr. horrilbe's sing along blog

anyways...so ive been in canada a week now...seems longer than that. when i see people they tell me it seems like i never left and that everything is back to normal and i just nod and smile...cause really it doesnt feel that way. haha like how could it? but im trying to start to get over the fact that im gone from australia and focus on me being here now. :)
dwelling on certain things just makes time drag on so i need to...let other things into my mind, and i really need to stop watching these childhoood rom coms haha its depressing. like princess diaries...man ive seen that movie soooo many times! was like my favourite thing ever when i was younger. oh young anne hathaway, props on the feel good movie. anyways yes other things to do...

cathcing up with friends and such.

OH BUT GOOD NEWS! i talked my mom into us maybe going back next august for a long holiday XD. so thats good and hopeful :). im going to stop being sad now. wastes too much time.

Just stop upsetting yourself
Upsetting your thoughts
Upsetting this world
That you’re standing on

- jakc johnson

fleet foxes.

Yeah, I'm tongue-tied and dizzy
and i can't keep it to myself
what good is it to sing helplessness blues?
Why should I wait for anyone else

And I know, I know you keep me on the shelf
I'll come back to you someday,
soon, myself

punishment

is this punishment for wanting to go back...
im stuck here...for the whole summer. i cant drive, and my mom refuses to drive me anywhere...ever. why is our public transport system so bad. fuck this
i want to go back i want to go back. these first few days arent making me want to stay.
cant i just take some of you to australia with me and just go live there....
im an emotional wreck that get her sleeping pattern straight again.
help.

starting this up again...

now that im home from australia...i guess i can go back to this blog now. I'll make my other one for when i travel. ya thats wat i'll do with it....i dont want to delete it :/ i dont want to let go of australia
or let go of anything that happened there.
or the people i grew to love.
sydney is officialy my second home.
boots west hawk lake to third.
And this home, my first home, doesnt feel real. I still think im dreaming
I keep feeling sick, i think its anxiety.
meh im sure it will pass
but i need to appologize ahead of time to everyone...i may not be the happiest of campers this week. :(
i just want it to be sunday so i can go be with my friends. hopefully everything will go back to normal. i want to feel the normal-ness again.
but i just cant gt australia out of my head. UGH GET OUT OF MY HEAD....no dont :(

ok think positive. psoitive positive positive happy. goddamit HAPPYNESS AAAAAAAH!
k that helped a bit :P
bloody hell.